I was listening to music in my room and it was La Romana by Bad Bunny. I was chilling when I heard my cousin laughing outside. I asked him what was so funny, and he responded “Why are you listening to that song when you don’t even know what he is saying?” I did understand most of the song but there were certain words that I did not know. Throughout my life, there have been many moments where I struggled with my identity, culture, and who I was. 

My family always said that I would choose American things over Dominican things. I would listen to English music in Spanish. Read English books over Spanish books. I would talk at home in Spanish but when it came to writing it would be butchered. My family says I never struggled to learn English. I would choose American food over Dominican food. I didn’t know how to dance bachata or merengue. My family thought I was more American than Dominican and the only thing that made me Dominican was the fact that I could speak Spanish and that was all. There was this one joke that my brother always used to make whenever I mentioned that I’m Dominican or Hispanic around him and he would always say “barely.”

My parents and most of my family were born in DR and then moved to New York. I’m the youngest in the family so I ended up being born in Brooklyn. My skin tone is much lighter than most and my hair was straight, not curly. My parents and sister have the same skin complexion as me but compared to my cousins and other Hispanics, they have skin tones that are darker and more sun-kissed. This always made me feel a bit like I didn’t belong sometimes when we would visit DR.

   

 My Cousin               My Mom & Grandma My Sister

The relationship between me and learning Spanish is a long one. Spanish was my first language and I never really struggled with speaking it unless there was a word or two I never heard of.  Back in kindergarten, my mom put me in a Spanish class where it was easy to communicate with others since Spanish was my first language and I knew how to speak it. However, I did not know how to read or write it at the time. So I would struggle a lot in class to the point where I was transferred to an English class. In 7th grade, I had normal school and on Sundays, I would have to go to church school. My parents put me in a Spanish class. I knew Spanish more than before. Unfortunately, I still struggled with it because I didn’t understand everything but was still able to do my work and make friends. Since I struggled with Spanish so much. It made me feel like I wasn’t Hispanic. 

One thing I struggled a lot with was getting things for my family. Sometimes I would do errands and be sent to get groceries. I would always get something wrong because I didn’t fully understand what my mom or others were telling me. The one thing that I ALWAYS got wrong was getting my mom and grandma bananas because I didn’t understand the difference when I was younger. The word “Platano” means Plantain, but the word Plantano Maduro means ripe banana or just banana. So every time I would get them a “Platano Maduro” it would either be instead an actual plantain, a yellow plantain, or a banana that isn’t ripe enough. I would also get ajo(Garlic), and cebolla(onion) mixed up. They don’t sound that same but little me was too dumb to know which was which. So when my mom would tell me to get both it wouldn’t be a problem, the problem was when my mom would tell me to get Ajo and I wouldn’t know if that was garlic or onions. There are many other things I struggled with getting as well such as other vegetables, clothes, tools, etc.

 

THE Picture on the left is a ripe banana(Platano Maduro/ Guineano)

The picture on the RIGHT is a Platano(Platain)

The time I started being fluent in Spanish was when I entered high school and I was able to communicate with my family better than before. In high school, many people called me Dominican or Hispanic but many called me mainly white or American, and to me that was a bit shocking. It would either be I was too Hispanic or too white (I would hear the second one more often). I live in a mainly Hispanic/Asian neighborhood and went to both elementary and middle school so I was always described as Hispanic by others until high school. I wasn’t upset by it but more confused. To others, I was just some other white boy and it would be shocking to hear me speak Spanish. There have been many times when I tell someone that I’m Dominican and they have a shocked reaction, and say something like “I thought you were white, American, Jewish, Italian, Greek, etc. It altered the way I perceived myself and What I struggled with the most was that I had no one to tell. I have never really met anyone who had a similar experience as me and because of that I’ve never really shared it. Even now I still sometimes feel stuck between choosing a single part of my identity rather than both. But most of the time I feel like one person, not two. When I’m around Hispanic people I ask myself should I act more Dominican or more American? I ask myself this question a lot, When I’m at my dad’s restaurant, visiting family, traveling to DR in the summer, hanging out with friends, at school, and a lot more. But now that I know Spanish more and am still learning more about it I feel less inclined to think about that decision and just act like me.